24 and Over Mind Games

Feelings are such a strange thing. We can’t order them to stay or go away. Feelings make us aware about ourselves, and help us to realise what we like and don’t like. Feelings greatly influence our decision making processes whether we like it or not. We can’t escape from them. We’re wired with feelings- it’s what makes us who we are, I suppose.

I’m aware of my feelings and can understand them when: 

  •  I feel excited and nervous about working – but most of the time I’m anxious and stressed… 
  • I feel cheerful when I’m listening to the Lala Land soundtrack… 
  • I feel relaxed when my sister helps me with cutting out laminated resources for teaching… 

I understand why I feel these things for each situation- 
but… there are some times where I don’t understand why I feel a certain way. 
Like the times I feel nervous being around certain people (namely guys) who (in my mind) I don’t like (or have decided that I won’t/can’t like them) – namely a close guy friend who I’ve considered just a friend until recently it became super awkward because – well, I don’t even understand what happened. 

I didn’t intend on sounding like a middle schooler talking about a boy crush while writing this, but now I feel quite embarrassed because that’s exactly what I sound like in my mind as I read over what I type. 

I guess my point in writing this is to express that I am so over these kind of feelings and these situations where I’m left to question relationships because I can’t decipher what is being offered and what is being requested- or if there is even an offer to begin with. 

And as a result, time passes. Nothing happens. And I wishfully wonder what could have been… 

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