On Saturday (two days ago), I cleaned up my foyer. Boy, it was hard work. So hard, that yesterday when I woke up, I felt my hamstrings for the first time since last year when I worked out at the gym.I felt them this morning too. But I also felt my body sinking into my bed. Even my fingers felt heavy. I checked the clock. It was almost 11. I felt defeated by my own lethargy.
The next thought.
I didn’t even know where to begin dealing with that.
Work starting in a fortnight seems to be my greatest fear nowadays.
I feel that I’m not yet able/ not yet strong enough to reconcile my feelings and just pull through with the day’s work. I do feel a little bit irresponsible at times, but my excuse is that a couple of years ago, I burned out from stretching myself too thin. And because of that, I can’t seem to go the extra mile in anything I do. I can’t seem to leave my comfort zone – because of the fear that I will crumble, like I did in 2012.
I feel defeated.
By my own self.
My friends tell me that I need to rest ‘guilt free’.
But, what about time?
It waits for nobody.
I have a ton of things I need to churn through.
I get anxious. I am fearful that I won’t finish all that I need to get done.
I am anxious because I don’t know what it is that I need to do.
I want to do my best, yet I don’t know where to begin.
My friends tell me not to be harsh on myself.
But, this is my job.
I have responsibility.
How can I not care?
How can I take time off to rest?